KEEPING TABS

Posted: September 12, 2010 in Palaver

I was trying to bed a certain lady some time back when she asked me a rather intrusive question, but one that stimulated my mind and compelled me to think about a thing or two that inform the content of this post. She posed: “How many women have you had sex with?”

It’s a good thing my mum is semi-computer literate hence doesn’t even have a clue of what a blog is because she would disown me if she found out that I was unable to answer that question with the immediacy it demanded. Quite frankly, I still haven’t managed to come up with a precisely accurate answer to date. Anyway, I am not the focus of what I am about to discuss.

For starters, the said lady was entirely out of turn to enquire about my sexual dealings. As far as I was concerned, I had neither proposed to her nor was I intending to have unprotected sex with her so she had no ground to demand such private information. Needles to say, I kicked her out there and then. I can get far much better sex from the palm of my hand without having to tolerate such blatant infringement on my right to privacy. So sue me!

On to my next point. Repercussions. Assuming I had answered her question promptly, what consequences would I have had to bear? Depending on the nature of my answer, it would have either been embarrassment or dismissal. Simply because there is no standard answer to such a question.

Take for instance if I had said ‘one’ (and I’ll be damned if there’s any man my age – apart from my eunuch room mate – who would subscribe to that answer). One of two things would have happened. She would either have put her panties back on and stormed out in a huff (dismissal for me) or more appropriately, laughed at me in my face (totally embarrassing).

On the other hand, if I’d have answered ‘a hundred’ (FYI, I haven’t hit that mark yet but I’m steadily getting there – Onyancha style) her reaction would have been more or less the same only the basis would be reversed. She would either have high tailed it in fear of her life (embarrassing) or roundly rebuked me like I was the personification of the devil (and since I won’t be getting any at the end of it, that’s definite dismissal). Which brings about a rather complex dilemma. What should have been the right answer?

Ask any man this question and I guarantee eight out of ten answers will differ. Because there is no accepted standard. For women, it’s much simpler. Any woman who has slept with more than three men is loosely considered…well, loose. The first guy is usually the one who breaks her virginity. Unless he is remarkably gentle he will in most cases be condemned to that singular encounter at least until another guy has tasted the cookies in the jar. The good thing about being a ‘first’ is that most women always have an involuntary attachment to you. No matter how virtuous a woman is, she will more often than not fall back into her first man’s bed at the slightest prodding and beckoning. Don’t look at me, I’m not the one who programmed you to attach emotions to meaningless sex!

The second man is for experience. Once that hymen is out of the way, women begin to enjoy sex and since this usually happens during the late teenage years, they still have this misguided notion that having sex is an expression of love. I hate to be the one to break it to you but sex is just that, Sex. So while they’re busy looking for new ways to ‘show how much they love’ their man, he’s thoroughly enjoying himself but conscious of the fact that one of these days she will have to hit the highway.

The next man for any woman is her husband. At this point they have gained enough sexual and emotional experience to tell right from wrong and after eliminating the unworthy candidates they settle for a ‘Prince Charming’ who sweeps them off their feet and whisks them to a white castle where they live happily ever after. Ideally, any woman who does not conform to this three step program is not what you would consider a good girl.

For men however, things are less systematic and more random. To a man, losing virginity is like opening a Pandora’s box. They want to keep looking for what’s inside and so end up digging deeper and deeper (forgive the pun) into the bottomless pit (don’t forgive the pun!). A man’s level of experience is measured through his direct encounters including but by no means limited to masturbation. I will refrain from expounding on that point.

To a man, keeping tabs of one’s encounters can at times prove to be a tricky affair. For the first few times one is usually so excited to be having sex for it to even count as an actual encounter.

Additionally, the opportunities of having sex are so rare and spaced that one does not get the necessary skills to graduate from an amateur to an expert. Therefore the first few encounters don’t count for a man because they are considered as dry runs. Once the level of ‘sexpert’ has been attained, a man needs regular exercise and practice to keep his game up. Thus, he is allowed to explore the waters until he can find the right harbour to weigh anchor. Think of it this way, a man can be several women’s first and/or second but only one woman’s third. It is therefore important for a man to get enough experience to satiate his wife without needing to look elsewhere. So essentially, we do it for you.

So guys, if ever a chick pops such a question on you, try turning the tables on her and ask her the question. That way you’ll get an idea of the right answer to give without running the risk of missing out on an easy lay.

Dedicated to my gay eunuch room mate! mscheeeew!

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