THE DEVIL WEARS TIGHTS

Posted: October 26, 2010 in Me and My Crayziee World

I am mad for many reasons. I am mad because the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. I am also mad because the sky is blue and the earth is brown. I am mad too because Jesus’ mother was a virgin. But that is not why I am writing this post. I am writing this post because I am mad at women!
To put you in perspective I will tell you about the women in my life. There are three. The first is my mother. She is the most precious being I have ever encountered. The only breathing creature I would give my life for. I emphasize on ‘breathing’ because there are other inanimate creations that I would readily die for (or die with-depending on which comes first). They come in bottles. Brown bottles. Anyways, back to my mum. She’s my rock of ages. My priceless jewel. My all. I could write an entire script for a Mexican soap opera about her alone. She’s really great!

The second woman in my life is my sister. She’s thirteen so I guess that makes her more of a girl than a woman. But she always says she’s thirteen and a half which is funny because I still think of her as the eight year old I’ve always known. I love her for her innocence but then she’s growing up so fast I might have to think of new reasons to keep loving her. And while were on the subject, any man who even dreams of getting anywhere near her in the next seventeen years should consider himself past tense in advance.

The third woma(e)n in my life is(are) the rest. It is this group that I am mad at. You see life has taught me a lot of lessons. Some have been good. Others have been bad. And in all the lessons I have learnt out of life, I have deduced that women are the root of all evil. With the exception of my mum and sis. And like all things evil, they have entrenched themselves so deeply in our lives that they have become indispensable. This flash of infinite wisdom came to me a couple of days ago when I was in the company of two female acquaintances.

We were casually tossing them back at a certain joint in town with a pal of mine when my excuse of a cell phone rings and guess what, it’s ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and they just happened to be idle in town so they felt indebted to come keep us company. Being the gentleman that I am, I obligingly invite them to join us which they are able to do in an astonishing record time that would wipe out Usain Bolt’s claim to fame.

So were gulping away amid some chit chat and my friend, who happens to be a married man, asks if it’s safe to ‘chips funga’ one of the damsels. I should have started by asking him what he meant by ‘safe’ seeing as not even primary school girls are ‘safe’ nowadays in that context but then alcohol has a way of making everything appear ‘safe’. At first I was taken aback since his wife is a personal friend of mine but in the spirit of brotherhood, I urge him on.

Tentatively, he summons me to a quiet corner of the club and whispers something in my ear that made me laugh. It was that obnoxious kind of laughter that comes with the secret knowledge of a hidden truth that disguises some malicious intent. And with that, he dials a number on his cell phone and hands it over to me. What follows is a carefully choreographed explanation to his missus regarding his whereabouts and why he would not be able to make it home that night because it was my birthday and he was celebrating it with me. (I have since written a proposal to Nokia to introduce a lie detector device on cellular phones that ignites an electric charge to the liar’s ear whenever a falsehood is detected to curb this thriving vice.)

His wife reminds me that tomorrow is Sunday and that we should make a point of going to bed early so that we wake up in time for church. This I dutifully communicate to my accomplice who admonishes me for suggesting that we should pass out on such an enticing opportunity for a two hour lecture from a grown man who has never had the pleasure of experiencing carnal bliss. That, I presumed, was in reference to his parish priest. Besides, he adds, “God has enough sheep to look after. I don’t think he will even notice we are missing.”

Momentarily, we are seated back at our table drowning our guilty consciences in frothy beverages. Several dozen swallows later, another male acquaintance of mine stumbles upon our table and in compliance with the drinkers’ code, I get him a seat and ask him to join us. At one point I must have either passed out or out-passed my drinking limit but when I came to, my wallet and phone were gone and so was he. Did I mention his name was Kama? Anyway, at the moment that didn’t seem like a big deal but believe me the following morning when I needed to make a call to a friend to come settle the Ksh. 1,600 bill on our tab it did.

As expected, my conniving married friend stealthily disappeared with ‘Y’ who by the way I noticed was wearing a ring on her middle finger. And from the look of it, it wasn’t just a piece of jewelery. So there I was, penniless, phoneless and clueless as to what to do with ‘X’ who isn’t exactly my type. Lucky for me she conveniently had to get back home A.S.A.P because she apparently just remembered that she had an early morning appointment. Yippee! More beer for me!

In retrospect, I observed that in that one night, we directly and indirectly broke eight out of God’s Ten Commandments without even noticing it! And from what I have seen and/or heard, there are men who have killed because of women which by the way I believe to be the epitome of stupidity. On that premise, I posit with supporting evidence that women indeed are the root of all evil…with the exception of my mum and sis.

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