Archive for the ‘Published Works’ Category

A MAN

Posted: November 17, 2010 in Published Works

I’ve been really lazy of late. I just can’t seem to get myself to write anything worth posting. But I promise I will get round to it soonest. In the meantime, I ‘borrowed’ and reworked this post from one of my favourite bloggers-Jackson Biko (Hope you’ve read his blog – BIKOZULU). I trust you will enjoy it and that he won’t sue me for plagiarism or anything of the sort.

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A MAN

By Jackson Biko

Men are born. Males are made. A man is verb, not a noun. Men aren’t static, they are fluid. A man is only a man as long as he feels he is a man, after that the bottom falls off and he stops being a man, he becomes a noun. And when a man becomes a noun he buys poodles and starts wearing purple skinny jeans.

A man isn’t afraid to cry, but not before his daughter because in his daughter’s eyes he is more than a man.

A man is aware of his susceptibility and he uses it to spur ambition.

A man doesn’t watch Sebuleni show.

A man can fix a broken sink.

A man eats with his hands if he has to.

A man is not defined by his drink, he defines his drink, even if it’s Sauvignon Blanc.

A man should be able to laugh at himself, to take a joke, even a bad one.

A man takes care if his mother.

A man doesn’t ask a woman, “Do I snore in my sleep?” Because snoring is the euphemism for roaring in the animal kingdom.

A man appreciates a woman’s bare skin, the revelation of nakedness- and so Ricky Martin isn’t a man, at least not enough.

A man rises up and defends his woman’s honour even if his woman is obviously on the wrong.

A man doesn’t gossip. He takes a punch on the chin.

A man leaves the house when his woman has those women’s kyama meeting over. And he never carries her handbag. Never.

A man has no qualms saying he is sorry because an apology not only redeems his soul, but it averts a woman’s rabid tongue.

A man pays his debts, if not his taxes.

A man knows his children by name, and what they had for dinner last night. And he kisses them.

A man can make an omelet-or at least try and he isn’t afraid that doing dishes will make him less.

A man loves sex but learns to tame the beast of his loins.

A man helps a blind man to cross the street.

A man isn’t afraid of age, no less than he is afraid of ageing.

A man never sings aloud to Celine Dion, even if no one is listening.

A man listens more than he argues. He picks a book sometimes, perhaps more than he picks a beer.

Alcohol doesn’t change a man, he changes it.

A man doesn’t get into a woman’s purse- even if she sends him there.

A man never hits a woman, no matter how obnoxious and rabid she is. He sends her back to her mother.

A man never, ever under any circumstance says “woishe” in his conversation.

A man isn’t afraid to fail, but only if he will try again.

A man never takes his best friend’s woman, even if she has an ass like Toni Braxton’s. And he never snitches on a fellow man.

A man has to watch The Godfather, and like it damn it.

A man doesn’t pretend to know everything; he prefers to learn from those who know.

A man wears a watch that works.

A man makes many mistakes in his life, it’s the hallmark of manhood.

Sometimes, a man masturbates.

A man believes in something, anything; a value, a thought, a principle, and defends it like he would his child.

A man lets the woman order first.

A man doesn’t leave when the chips are down; he takes a long breath and finds a way.

A man loves the TV series MadMen and doesn’t find Don Draper a nuisance, only emotionally stunted.

A man doesn’t need this article to inform his manhood; he reads it, maybe smiles a bit and continues being the man as he, and only he understands it.

 

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ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Posted: October 28, 2010 in Published Works

I found this on the internet and figured you might enjoy reading it.

 

What other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why – in our crazy language – can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:

If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.

But fingers don’t fing and grocers don’t groce.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth?

If the teacher taught, why isn’t it also true that the preacher praught?

If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can’t turn a light in;

In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.

In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

Tricky Plurals===============

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;

yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Lets face it, English is a crazy language hehehehe

EUREKA!IM A POET!

Posted: January 26, 2010 in Published Works
in my dreams i see a place
where lyf moves at a slower pace
n i sieve through without a trace
in triumph,i win the race

in my dreams i see her eyes
her lips,her skin,her hips n thighs
her tears,her smiles,her screams n sighs
n her gentle voice that never lies

in my dreams i c the cars
the mansion,jet,beach n bars
the Gucci suits n linen garbs
n al astound with oohs n ahs

in my dreams i hav no fear
for i hav al that i hold dear
a lyf of plenty filed with cheer
each day n week n month n year.

What Next After High School?

Posted: January 26, 2010 in Published Works

Just the other day, the curtains came down on the Secondary School Sports Competitions where various schools exceled in different disciplines. Just before that we had the national drama festivals and again our young thespians proved their worth on stage. One wonders, where do all these talented kids go to after their high school stint expires?

I was told that the greatest achievement for an actor in high school is to go and perform before the President in State House. That if you ask me is a very pitiable fate by any standards.

Shouldn’t there be a bridge designed to tap these young talents while fresh from high schools and offer them opportunities in their respective fields? Dennis Oliech, Jason Dunford and Biko Adema are testament that given the opportunity, these young kids can develop into exceptional athletes or what-have-you but somehow no one seems to notice the potential in our youth.

Gone are the days when acting and sports were merely considered leisure activities. Today, even in Kenya, football is a full-time career and acting is as much a job as any other. So instead of promising youths non-existent white collar jobs and using them as stepping stones to propagate their political ambitions, the government and politicians should harness this potential by investing in sports and acting programes designed to absorb these kids once they clear high school.

If not for the good of our youth and the country at large, at least they should do it for themselves (so that when the industry is thriving and the maize runs out they can have somewhere else to steal from).

Gospel Gone Mad!

Posted: January 26, 2010 in Published Works

Call them ‘hip’ if you please but the new breed of gospel artistes are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites for all I care. Neither the words in their songs nor their actions correspond with the Gospel they are supposed to be preaching.

Unlike secular musicians who focus on entertainment, Gospel music should be more about spiritually educating and enriching the listener. However most young Gospel artistes seem more keen on making a name for themselves as opposed to delivering the message and the result is that every other Gospel song turns out to be a club banger which is the highest degree of irony ever.

To cap it off, they dress, talk and act like the rest of the youth arguing that they are trying to remain in touch with their youth market by singing and acting like them. This line of thought is terribly misguided. If that were the case they might as well smoke weed together as they preach to them.

If indeed our Gospel artistes intend to spread the word and make a difference in the youth they should mould themselves into models to be emulated and not ape the very guys they are trying to convert.

Its obvious that these artistes are just trying to cash in on the thriving Gospel market especially when you consider the fact that most of them only ‘got saved’ after failed attempts in the secular industry.

While I may not have the strongest moral authority to judge them, I believe the good book warns against such actions and the characters in question should know better.

TPF3 Judges Are Not Serious!

Posted: January 26, 2010 in Published Works

‘Tusker Project Fame’ has probably been the biggest local reality T.V series in the past few years but the latest and current edition is highly dissapointing to say the least.

Naturally, the show has in the past attracted all types of people, some of whom have managed to make it in the industry owing to their talent and the exposure from the academy while others had to face the reality that singing was never really their thing. That of course is thanks to the judges who were tasked with the duty of selecting the finalists who gained acceptance into the academy hence sparing us the torture of having to witness some horrifying performances.

While some of the fame seekers seem to be more of comics than musicians, the biggest jokers in TPF3 have got to be judges. One wonders whether some of those guys even have a clue about what theyre supposed to be doing.

If the auditions are anything to go by then TPF3 is going to be the biggest blunder since MJ’s (R.I.P) plastic surgery. The judges were overlooking some naturally talented singers only to pick a less qualified applicant based on God knows what criteria. True some of the good vocal acts were less enchanting performers or less endowed in the looks department but I thought the whole concept of the academy was to mould the candidates into world class artistes. And after all, is’nt Susan Boylle living proof that looks are’nt all it takes for one to be star?

Time and again coastal artistes have continually complained of being neglected and sidelined by the media hence their inability to penetrate the national market despite being as good as their Nairobi counterparts, if not better. Their argument is that the media is entirely to blame for their relative lack of success in the entertainment industry, arguing that the media has purposefully sabotaged their attempts to break through by denying them radio and t.v airplay as well as coverage in the case of print media. I beg to differ.

While it is true that the media is biased against non-Nairobi artists, they are not solely to blame for the coastal artists’ woes. The artists themselves are also responsible for their failure as are the fans.

For starters, the artists are justified in claiming the media is biased against them but anyone who has been watching the industry keenly enough will have noticed that the media is biased against all Non-Nairobi artists and not Coastal artistes per sse. T.V and radio stations give the lions share of airplay to Nairobi based artistes and even this is shared almost exculsively among the so called ‘A-List’ celebs. The rest (which is where Mombasa based artists fall), have to share the crumbs amongst themselves. The sooner coastal artists learn to live with this cruel fact the better.

In order to break away from this spell, coastal artistes need to revise their strategy. While they may be facing barriers within the media, the artists themselves have done very little to boost their image. For one they have to change their style so that it appeals to the nationwide market. Most coastal artistes are too localized and do not connect with Non-Coasterians. Artistes also need to learn to market themselves. Having a good song will do you no good if you cant get people to hear it and know you. Make mixtapes, organise gigs, develop yourselves as brands and market yourselves nationally.

For coastal artists to grow, the local fans have to accept them first before the rest of the country follows suit. Unfortunately, coastal fans have little love for their aristes. They would rather pay to see ‘Jua Cali’ in action than attend a free ‘Nyota Ndogo’ show. Im not saying they should not attend ‘Jua Cali’s’ shows but if at all Mombasa artistes are to shine, the fans have to give their artistes maximum support.

JOURNAL OF A FACEBOOK ADDICT

Posted: January 26, 2010 in Published Works

‘Fred Kirui got married to Tusker. Honeymoon is tonight, she doesnt mind group sex so you can all come’. Trust Fred 2 av sch an outrageous st8us upd8! N trust me 2 add an equally ‘ingenious’ comment, ‘ Mrs. Pilsner n I will b more than happy 2 b ur best couple!’. Wat follows nxt s a heated deb8 btwin Fred, James, Katsy n I abwt who has da most ‘wives’ in their make beleive rshp. @ da end of it all, we agree d@ @ least we all share a common in-law in the form of EABL, much to the amusement of da chiqs who hav bin spect8n thro mst of the discusion.

My atention is drawn 2 a frend request iv jst receivd (2 my suprise) 4rm Lucy, my primary skul deskm8. As im goin thro ha profile, I notice hw mch she hs grown in2 a fwyn lady 4rm da dirty little gal i usd 2 knw back in primo. Most intrestin is her rshp st8us wich sez ‘Single’. My instincts instruct me 2 snd her a mesage wich I promptly do complimentin ha on ha sexy eyes n promise 2 mek a point of arangin a meetin btwin ha n I 1 of these fyn days so we cn ctch up. Of coz da ctchin up I hav in mind invloves mo dan jst chit chat bt I conveniently choose 2 leave owt da delic8 details.

Theaz a hip hop event @ da British Council dis wikend n I R.S.V.P a ‘Yes’ to confirm my attendance. Last tym I attended thea wa sum tyt artists n I hd a gr8 tym wit Smallz, Tony n Sam so I post a mesage on their respective Wall’s 2 remind dem of da upcomin event. Sam replies imed8ly n promises 2 bring along a digicam so we cn tek photos of all da wicked grafiti on display n post dem on Facebuk.

Tis Desboy’s Bday 2day n being da gud frend I am I post a message on hs wall sayin ‘Happy Bday u son of a commercial sex worker! If only ur dad ws thea 2 c u turn 21..2 bad u don knw wich 1 of ur mum’s 700 boyfrendz he is. Were havin a bash @ Mwenda’s 2 celebr8 ur bday, drinks on u!’. Sweet,huh? Iv bin waitin 2 get bak @ him 4 putin d@ coment on d@ photo of me n Jose. It sed ‘U lovebirds luk so cute 2getha..so whos da strika n whos da goalkeeper btwin u 2?’. Of coz I deleted it as soon as I saw it bt half of my 586 frenz on facebuk had alredy seen it so da damage ws done!

Top on my news feed is Gakuo’s new note wich I quickly read amidst rib krakin laughter. Its caled ‘Below Da Poverty Line’ n in it he opens up his heart to da ladies who always seem 2 bliv guys r money minting machines. Apparently he wants em 2 knw d@ college guys don hav jobs so naturally, theyre broke and @ tymz it gets worse! I must admit he has a point bt considerin my ‘baller’ image, i wont let myself be caught sayin i fall unda d@ category so I add a comment sayin ‘ speak 4 yo-broke-self bro!’

I check my homepage n find d@ Suzy has invited me 2 a group called ‘500 Things To Do When Your Bored In A Lecture’. Ths shld b intrestin! Soon as I join (as the 10,478th member), I chek owt da group wall n find sum rily krazy stuff. Lyk ‘Write a note 2 da chiq sittin infront of u n tel her theaz sum blood drippin 4rm unda ha chair..Lmao!’ Ill try d@ 1 day 4 sure! This kinda reminds of da otha group I joined da otha day, ‘1000 Things To Drive Ur Girlfriend Crayziieee!’. Speakin of wich, my galfrend jst logged on, which means I hav 2 go b4 I get dumpd. I quickly chnge my st8us upd8 2 ‘Boniface is thinkn abt his sweetheart..baby I miss u.’, then log out. C yal nxt tym ur online..:-)